Eddie Lubitsch, The Last Angry Lawyer Weekly Editorial for October 13, 2007

Well, it’s time somebody called them out on this and I guess I’m the guy who has to do it. First, let’s start with the democrats. Everybody and their brother is picking Hillary Clinton to win the nomination but I think they are counting their chickens just a little too early. They think that if Hillary wins the election, that Bill will be back in the White House and she will listen to whatever he says. Yeah, right, that’s going to happen. This woman has been waiting 10 years for payback over Bill’s little tea time tryst and if she gets in power, she is going to spend her time making his life miserable.

Not only will Bill not have any input into how the country is run into the ground, but my guess is that he will be sleeping on the presidential couch and taking his meals in his room. And has anybody given any thought to what it would be like to have a girl president in this country? We have had men presidents for our entire history and now, all of a sudden, everybody thinks a woman prez would be a good idea. Personally, I think it would be too big of a shock to our political system, to go from a history of all men to a woman. I think the transition from a man to a woman needs to be a little more gradual. I think we should first elect a transvestite and see how that works out.

If I were Barack Obama or John Edwards, I would push the fact that Hillary is a woman to the max. I’d ask questions like, “What’s going to happen when she meets the queen of England? Is she going to bow? Are they going to shake hands? Or are they going to hug each other and scream Girl Power?”

Now, on to the Republicans, who seem to be about as organized as Siamese twins in a hockey game. These mopes have no idea what they are doing. First of all, the leading contenders are Fred Thomson, Rudy Giulianni, and John McCain, who between them, they have had eight wives. The other front runner is Mitt Romney, the Mormon, who ironically is the only guy to have only one wife. And among Rudy and Fred and John, Oh My, the wives they currently have are of the trophy variety, younger than them and hotter than they deserve. What’s it going to be like to have these babes prancing around the White House and doing lunch with their girlfriends. It will be like Sex In The City without a plot line I tell you.

And as far as Romney is concerned, he has to do something about his name to even have a chance in this election. No voter who gives it a second thought is going to elect a guy named Mitt. I can see it now. They will be calling him President Glove. And what’s going to happen on opening day of baseball season. Are we really going to go for President Mitt, putting on his mitt, and tossing out the first pitch. No, it’s too cartoonish. He would have a much better chance if he changed his name to something more masculine...like Hillary.

Then there are the independent candidates of which I am the leading contender. I make that statement because as of yet, I don’t have a clue as to who else is out there so I am making my stand as the independent front runner, and if you elect me president, I can promise you that things are going to be different.

For starters, I’m not even going t move into the White house. With the kids out of the house, Estelle and I don’t need that much room. So we will just stay in out little bungalow in Peoria and run the country from there. What better place to have your finger on the pulse of the action than in America’s heartland. We could then lease out the White House as high price condos and make enough money to put a dent in the national debt.

This brings me to another problem we have, taxes. Oh I know nobody likes to talk about taxes and nobody likes to pay taxes, but according to the other candidates running for office, an increase in taxes is the only thing we can do to get more money into the government. The problem with these people is that they just aren’t thinking, and thinking is one of the things a president should be able to do. If we need more money to run the country, all we have to do is do what any other red blooded American family would do if they need a little extra money. We’ll hold a national garage sale.

We have a lot of stuff currently clogging up our archives, our museums, and our national basement, so I say put it all out on the White House lawn and invite the citizens to go shopping. Some idiot paid three quarters of a million dollars for Barry Bonds home run ball, just think how much he’ll pay for an original copy of the Bill of Rights, or Dolly Madison’s cookie recipe, or even Monica Lewinski’s blue dress. We have a veritable treasure trove on our hands and it is time to cash in.

So when you go to the polls next year, think twice about who you want to lead our country; a boring, crooked, and somewhat slimy politician...or Eddie Lubitsch, the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.