Eddie Lubitsch, The Last Angry Lawyer Weekly Editorial for October 6, 2007

Obesity is rapidly becoming America’s number one health problem and it is time to stop the insanity. It is time to shed those pounds you have strapped on your ass and bolted onto your mid-section and leave some food for the rest of us. It is time to get your gross tonnage down to the point where you only need one belt. It is time to stop affecting the tides. It is time for you to go back to the beach without being confused for beached sea mammal. It is time for you to chuck your chunkyness. And you can thank the heavens that Eddie Lubitsch is here to help you.

I can feel your pain Pudge, but I can also feel the strain on your pants. I was once a blubber butt myself but one day I woke up with my face in a fudge brownie and as I licked the frosting from my fingers, I knew I had to do something...and so do you. So, if you want to help the world by freeing up more oxygen for the rest of us, here’s what you need to do.

First, I want you to take a good look at yourself naked in a mirror. What do you see? Who knows because your wide load is unviewable in a regular full length mirror. In order to see both sides of your body at the same time, you would have to stand a mile away. An alternative is to look at your self naked in a full length three-way mirror but you might get asked to leave Nordstroms immediately.

Now that you have a better idea of how hefty you are, it’s time to change your eating habits. First off, I’m going to cut you down to three meals a day. No more snacks, no more between meal meals, no more midnight noshing. You get three meals and you can eat all you want. You just have to eat with different utensils.

All soup and cereal, for instance, must be eaten with a fork. Spaghetti is eaten using only one chopstick. And a T-bone steak must be eaten with a plastic spoon. No fingers, no help, and no pushing your snout into the plate either. After 30 minutes or so of trying to get a mouthful of chow into your choppers, you will give up. Net intake, zero calories.

Next, you’ve got to exercise. You have to burn some blubber by moving more than your thumb on the remote control. First, you have to walk. I suggest you walk at least two miles a day, and after two weeks, you will be 28 miles from home and much thinner. You also have to lift a few weights, and not the 12 ounce canned variety. You’ve got to start yanking some barbells and pressing some dead weight. I’d tell you to do a pushup or two but we have to start small, and there is nothing on you that is small, Fats.

You’re going to have to start eating stuff that is good for you too. Pizza, for instance is no good. It’s high in calories, high in fat, and has zero grams of fiber. And fiber is important, especially when you’re my age and a bowel movement becomes a major part of your day. So you can still order a pie but don’t eat the pizza, just eat the box. It will have some pizza flavor and it is nothing but fiber.

The most important step in Eddie’s weight loss program is that in order for you to lose weight, you have to look thinner right off the bat. You want to think that you are making immediate progress and that’s where our secret ingredient comes into play. When you sign up for Eddie’s Weight Loss treatment, we send three men over to your house to wrap your body in duct tape. They will pull, and strain, and stretch and will wrap your full massiveness like a mummy until you look 30 pounds thinner. Of course, it will be impossible for you to move, so you will not be able to eat and thus the weight will melt right off. Plus, when you finally remove the tape, you get a full body waxing for free.

Of course, I know that none of this is going to be easy but when you are finally able to get on a fortune-telling scale and not have the card come out reading, “One At A Time”, you will be very happy. You’ll be able to stand in the sun and not cast a shadow that others seek out to escape the heat. You will be able to fit in a vehicle that doesn’t have 18 wheels. You will be able to see your feet. It will be a glorious day.

So start right now. Back away from that Ho Ho. Put the Big Mac back in the bag. Dump the donuts in the dust bin, and start living life as a normal sized person. And when you get there, remember that you have Eddie Lubitsch to thank. And if you follow all of my tips and still don’t lose weight, well, then, I guess I’ll have to eat my words...which have no calories and are fat free.

And over consumption, is one of the things that makes me the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.