Eddie Lubitsch, The Last Angry Lawyer Weekly Editorial for September 27, 2007

First, he said that women are all free to do what they want to do in Iran...as long as they wear those black ninja suits and walk ten feet behind their men. Then he said that they have no homosexuals in Iraq. Why? Because they stone them to death. If you come out of the closet in Iran, you had better be wearing a suit of armor because those crazy fanatics are going to chuck rocks at you.

Ahmadinejad – whose name translates to “So full of crap that my eyes are brown” also wants more research done on the Holocaust because he doesn’t think it really happened. Well, Mahmoudy, if it didn’t happen, Persia never became Iran, and you were never born. You are a dingus sir and there is nothing you can do or say that will convince me otherwise. And quite honestly, I don’t care that you are a dingus. What bothers me is that you are doing your best to convince millions of others to follow you in your dingus-ness. So let’s face the facts.

First, you do not live in a peace loving nation as you claim. You live in a sand filled hell hole chocked full of people who hate everybody and everything because you tell them to. If you really want to do something nice for your people why don’t you let them go dancing, or have a toga party, or put in a water park for crying out loud so at least they can cool off from the lead-melting heat you people have over there.

Second, you know and we know that you are not going to use enriched uranium for peaceful energy production. What do you need energy for? So that your citizens can power up their pool filters, and HiDef TVs and computers with access to the internet? I don’t think so. Your power needs could be met by a hamster on an exercise wheel.

And speaking of power, don’t you think it would have been a good idea for a man of your position to address the United Nations – the only thing standing between you and a mushroom cloud – while wearing a tie? You looked like a bum for crying out loud. We have street people here in the US of A who dress better than you. And every one of our homosexuals dresses better than you – you can make book on that.

And how about learning a little bit of the language Abdul? When John F Kennedy spoke to the East Germans in 1962, he at least learned enough German to say “Ich bin ein Berliner” so I think you could at least learn a couple of English phrases like “How’s it goin’?” or “Go Cubs” but noooo. You are too freaking lazy or too busy repressing your own people to do that.

We know that you hate us and you know what? The feeling is mutual. And not only do we know that you hate us, we know why you hate us. You hate us because in our country we are allowed to have fun. That’s right, fun, something you and your fellow countrymen know nothing about. I know you don’t have any fun because you told us yourself. I know for a fact that you have no entertainment. Why? Because you have no homosexuals. There is no way you can have any type of theater scene with no gay people. You’d have no set dressers, no costume designers, and of course, no male dancers.

I know you don’t have fun things like casinos, or theme parks, or even Stuckey’s for crying out loud. How can you call yourself a civilization without Stuckeys? For all I know, there aren’t even any Starbucks in your country and that is a sad sad thing.

And I won’t even get started on your women but I think it’s is safe to say that Miss Iran never has to worry about what she is going to wear to the Miss Universe pageant.

You people need to lighten up. You need to get some good old brainless reality TV over there in Camelville. How about “Milking Sheep With The Stars” or “Wife Swap – Irani Edition”. No, that wouldn’t be any good because in those burkas everybody looks alike and they’re not allowed to talk, so with no difference, it would be a dumb idea.

I know, what about your own edition of “Survivor”? We drop the bomb and you try to avoid getting voted off the planet.

Here’s another hot idea. Open a comedy club so your people can get a chuckle or two. You could be the emcee and I’ll even give you an opening joke. “My nephew is only 9 years old and already he’s a terrorist fighting the infidels. Ah, they blow up so fast.” Why don’t you stick that in your water pipe and choke it, or better yet, let me come over and choke you myself, because I am Eddie Lubitsch, the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.