You want to know what’s pushing my buttons this week John? Well I’ll tell you, it’s the fact that I have to push buttons. That’s right buttons, and I have to push more and more of them every day. Take my phone for instance. When I was a little Lubitsch, phones had dials, hence the term, “dial the phone” but nowadays, dials on phones have been replaced by buttons. There are buttons for the numbers 1 thru 9 and zero, just like we had on the dials, but now they have added the “pound sign” and the “star sign.” I want to know why.

There are no phone numbers in existence that contain either the pound sign or the star sign but they are still on my phone and I don’t like it. I also have to push more buttons than ever before whenever I make a call. Because we have too many people in this country with far too many phones, I now have to dial a 1 plus the area code even when I am calling within my own area code. What is the purpose of having an area code if I have to use it in my own area? If I am calling my next door neighbor, I have to push eleven buttons, hell, it would be easier to just go next door and push one button...the door bell.

Now, let’s assume that I push all of the necessary buttons to get through to somebody like the electric company, or the post office, or the Center for Senior Incontinence. First of all, nobody is going to answer the phone live, instead I get a recording that makes me press more buttons. First, I have to press 1 to continue in English. Excuse me, but I thought I was placing a call in America for crying out loud. And in America English is the default language, so I shouldn’t have to press another button just to get the same language I already speak. If you want to make your recording multi-lingual, good for you, but make them press more buttons, not me, a red blooded English speaking American.

After I press the button to speak English, I have to press more buttons depending on who I want to talk to. For service, press one; for repairs, press two, for sales, press three, for the person who concocted this system, press 666. I get so upset about pressing buttons on my phone that I just want to relax with a cup of coffee, but to make a cup of coffee, I have to press more buttons.

I have to press a button to grind the coffee, press a button to brew the coffee, and press yet another button to open the garage door so that I can get in my car and go down to the 7-11 to buy a cup of coffee because I obviously don’t know what the hell I am doing in the kitchen because I forgot to put the coffee pot under the spout where the coffee comes out and now I have the Hill’s Brothers flowing all over the floor.

So I turn on the TV set by PRESSING A BUTTON and change the channel by pressing more buttons and if I don’t press the right buttons the TV goes blank or switches to the VCR or locks onto Telemundo so I can’t understand a darn thing so I try to press 1 for English but that doesn’t work now.

So I leave the TV running amuck and try my luck on the computer but now I am faced with nothing but buttons. I have buttons on the keyboard, buttons on the mouse, buttons, buttons, buttons, it is enough to make me lose my buttons...or my marbles, I don’t even know which one I have any more.

You know what I think of when I hear the words, “Push Button Remote”, I think it means Push Over Remote because the company that makes them thinks I am a pushover because I am using their remote...or so they think. Maybe, I am actually going over to the TV or the Radio and turning it on without using their stinking remote? Maybe I just press the buttons on the TV itself and to hell with their push over remote control. Eddie Lubitsch isn’t a pushover and I don’t need their buttons. I will press the buttons while standing next to the TV set, just like may grandfather did...or would have done had he not died before TV was invented but you know what I mean. I can completely eliminate one set of buttons from my life and if I think about it, I can eliminate some more.

For starters, the doorbell is no longer an option at the Lubitsch estate. If you want to come in you are going to have to use your bare knuckles to knock on my aluminum screen door, so try to knock on the frame instead of the screen part because that doesn’t make any noise and you might punch a hole in it, thus letting flies and mosquitoes inside so I have go and get the can of Raid to kill them and the only way I can activate it is by...PRESSING THE BUTTON – thus eliminating any button gain I had made.

I am even considering having my navel removed with a navelectomy so that I won’t have a belly button any more, but I’ll still have a hot button and somebody is pressing it.

I tell you John, I am ready to press the panic button because we have too many buttons, and the one that worries me most is the one that is in the White House, you know, the button that, when pressed, will launch nuclear missiles – or in the words of the monkey who has his finger on that button – Nuke-ular missiles thus bringing an effective end to life as we know it and I for one am not ready to place a call to the grim reaper quite yet, and, in fact, couldn’t if I wanted to because I don’t know what buttons to press to get a hold of him. So maybe I should just button my lip and slip on a button down collar and stop buttin in to everybody else’s business, but if I did that, I would no longer be known as the Last Angry Lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.

Well, it’s time somebody called them out on this and I guess I’m the guy who has to do it. First, let’s start with the democrats. Everybody and their brother is picking Hillary Clinton to win the nomination but I think they are counting their chickens just a little too early. They think that if Hillary wins the election, that Bill will be back in the White House and she will listen to whatever he says. Yeah, right, that’s going to happen. This woman has been waiting 10 years for payback over Bill’s little tea time tryst and if she gets in power, she is going to spend her time making his life miserable.

Not only will Bill not have any input into how the country is run into the ground, but my guess is that he will be sleeping on the presidential couch and taking his meals in his room. And has anybody given any thought to what it would be like to have a girl president in this country? We have had men presidents for our entire history and now, all of a sudden, everybody thinks a woman prez would be a good idea. Personally, I think it would be too big of a shock to our political system, to go from a history of all men to a woman. I think the transition from a man to a woman needs to be a little more gradual. I think we should first elect a transvestite and see how that works out.

If I were Barack Obama or John Edwards, I would push the fact that Hillary is a woman to the max. I’d ask questions like, “What’s going to happen when she meets the queen of England? Is she going to bow? Are they going to shake hands? Or are they going to hug each other and scream Girl Power?”

Now, on to the Republicans, who seem to be about as organized as Siamese twins in a hockey game. These mopes have no idea what they are doing. First of all, the leading contenders are Fred Thomson, Rudy Giulianni, and John McCain, who between them, they have had eight wives. The other front runner is Mitt Romney, the Mormon, who ironically is the only guy to have only one wife. And among Rudy and Fred and John, Oh My, the wives they currently have are of the trophy variety, younger than them and hotter than they deserve. What’s it going to be like to have these babes prancing around the White House and doing lunch with their girlfriends. It will be like Sex In The City without a plot line I tell you.

And as far as Romney is concerned, he has to do something about his name to even have a chance in this election. No voter who gives it a second thought is going to elect a guy named Mitt. I can see it now. They will be calling him President Glove. And what’s going to happen on opening day of baseball season. Are we really going to go for President Mitt, putting on his mitt, and tossing out the first pitch. No, it’s too cartoonish. He would have a much better chance if he changed his name to something more masculine...like Hillary.

Then there are the independent candidates of which I am the leading contender. I make that statement because as of yet, I don’t have a clue as to who else is out there so I am making my stand as the independent front runner, and if you elect me president, I can promise you that things are going to be different.

For starters, I’m not even going t move into the White house. With the kids out of the house, Estelle and I don’t need that much room. So we will just stay in out little bungalow in Peoria and run the country from there. What better place to have your finger on the pulse of the action than in America’s heartland. We could then lease out the White House as high price condos and make enough money to put a dent in the national debt.

This brings me to another problem we have, taxes. Oh I know nobody likes to talk about taxes and nobody likes to pay taxes, but according to the other candidates running for office, an increase in taxes is the only thing we can do to get more money into the government. The problem with these people is that they just aren’t thinking, and thinking is one of the things a president should be able to do. If we need more money to run the country, all we have to do is do what any other red blooded American family would do if they need a little extra money. We’ll hold a national garage sale.

We have a lot of stuff currently clogging up our archives, our museums, and our national basement, so I say put it all out on the White House lawn and invite the citizens to go shopping. Some idiot paid three quarters of a million dollars for Barry Bonds home run ball, just think how much he’ll pay for an original copy of the Bill of Rights, or Dolly Madison’s cookie recipe, or even Monica Lewinski’s blue dress. We have a veritable treasure trove on our hands and it is time to cash in.

So when you go to the polls next year, think twice about who you want to lead our country; a boring, crooked, and somewhat slimy politician...or Eddie Lubitsch, the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.

Obesity is rapidly becoming America’s number one health problem and it is time to stop the insanity. It is time to shed those pounds you have strapped on your ass and bolted onto your mid-section and leave some food for the rest of us. It is time to get your gross tonnage down to the point where you only need one belt. It is time to stop affecting the tides. It is time for you to go back to the beach without being confused for beached sea mammal. It is time for you to chuck your chunkyness. And you can thank the heavens that Eddie Lubitsch is here to help you.

I can feel your pain Pudge, but I can also feel the strain on your pants. I was once a blubber butt myself but one day I woke up with my face in a fudge brownie and as I licked the frosting from my fingers, I knew I had to do something...and so do you. So, if you want to help the world by freeing up more oxygen for the rest of us, here’s what you need to do.

First, I want you to take a good look at yourself naked in a mirror. What do you see? Who knows because your wide load is unviewable in a regular full length mirror. In order to see both sides of your body at the same time, you would have to stand a mile away. An alternative is to look at your self naked in a full length three-way mirror but you might get asked to leave Nordstroms immediately.

Now that you have a better idea of how hefty you are, it’s time to change your eating habits. First off, I’m going to cut you down to three meals a day. No more snacks, no more between meal meals, no more midnight noshing. You get three meals and you can eat all you want. You just have to eat with different utensils.

All soup and cereal, for instance, must be eaten with a fork. Spaghetti is eaten using only one chopstick. And a T-bone steak must be eaten with a plastic spoon. No fingers, no help, and no pushing your snout into the plate either. After 30 minutes or so of trying to get a mouthful of chow into your choppers, you will give up. Net intake, zero calories.

Next, you’ve got to exercise. You have to burn some blubber by moving more than your thumb on the remote control. First, you have to walk. I suggest you walk at least two miles a day, and after two weeks, you will be 28 miles from home and much thinner. You also have to lift a few weights, and not the 12 ounce canned variety. You’ve got to start yanking some barbells and pressing some dead weight. I’d tell you to do a pushup or two but we have to start small, and there is nothing on you that is small, Fats.

You’re going to have to start eating stuff that is good for you too. Pizza, for instance is no good. It’s high in calories, high in fat, and has zero grams of fiber. And fiber is important, especially when you’re my age and a bowel movement becomes a major part of your day. So you can still order a pie but don’t eat the pizza, just eat the box. It will have some pizza flavor and it is nothing but fiber.

The most important step in Eddie’s weight loss program is that in order for you to lose weight, you have to look thinner right off the bat. You want to think that you are making immediate progress and that’s where our secret ingredient comes into play. When you sign up for Eddie’s Weight Loss treatment, we send three men over to your house to wrap your body in duct tape. They will pull, and strain, and stretch and will wrap your full massiveness like a mummy until you look 30 pounds thinner. Of course, it will be impossible for you to move, so you will not be able to eat and thus the weight will melt right off. Plus, when you finally remove the tape, you get a full body waxing for free.

Of course, I know that none of this is going to be easy but when you are finally able to get on a fortune-telling scale and not have the card come out reading, “One At A Time”, you will be very happy. You’ll be able to stand in the sun and not cast a shadow that others seek out to escape the heat. You will be able to fit in a vehicle that doesn’t have 18 wheels. You will be able to see your feet. It will be a glorious day.

So start right now. Back away from that Ho Ho. Put the Big Mac back in the bag. Dump the donuts in the dust bin, and start living life as a normal sized person. And when you get there, remember that you have Eddie Lubitsch to thank. And if you follow all of my tips and still don’t lose weight, well, then, I guess I’ll have to eat my words...which have no calories and are fat free.

And over consumption, is one of the things that makes me the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.

First, he said that women are all free to do what they want to do in Iran...as long as they wear those black ninja suits and walk ten feet behind their men. Then he said that they have no homosexuals in Iraq. Why? Because they stone them to death. If you come out of the closet in Iran, you had better be wearing a suit of armor because those crazy fanatics are going to chuck rocks at you.

Ahmadinejad – whose name translates to “So full of crap that my eyes are brown” also wants more research done on the Holocaust because he doesn’t think it really happened. Well, Mahmoudy, if it didn’t happen, Persia never became Iran, and you were never born. You are a dingus sir and there is nothing you can do or say that will convince me otherwise. And quite honestly, I don’t care that you are a dingus. What bothers me is that you are doing your best to convince millions of others to follow you in your dingus-ness. So let’s face the facts.

First, you do not live in a peace loving nation as you claim. You live in a sand filled hell hole chocked full of people who hate everybody and everything because you tell them to. If you really want to do something nice for your people why don’t you let them go dancing, or have a toga party, or put in a water park for crying out loud so at least they can cool off from the lead-melting heat you people have over there.

Second, you know and we know that you are not going to use enriched uranium for peaceful energy production. What do you need energy for? So that your citizens can power up their pool filters, and HiDef TVs and computers with access to the internet? I don’t think so. Your power needs could be met by a hamster on an exercise wheel.

And speaking of power, don’t you think it would have been a good idea for a man of your position to address the United Nations – the only thing standing between you and a mushroom cloud – while wearing a tie? You looked like a bum for crying out loud. We have street people here in the US of A who dress better than you. And every one of our homosexuals dresses better than you – you can make book on that.

And how about learning a little bit of the language Abdul? When John F Kennedy spoke to the East Germans in 1962, he at least learned enough German to say “Ich bin ein Berliner” so I think you could at least learn a couple of English phrases like “How’s it goin’?” or “Go Cubs” but noooo. You are too freaking lazy or too busy repressing your own people to do that.

We know that you hate us and you know what? The feeling is mutual. And not only do we know that you hate us, we know why you hate us. You hate us because in our country we are allowed to have fun. That’s right, fun, something you and your fellow countrymen know nothing about. I know you don’t have any fun because you told us yourself. I know for a fact that you have no entertainment. Why? Because you have no homosexuals. There is no way you can have any type of theater scene with no gay people. You’d have no set dressers, no costume designers, and of course, no male dancers.

I know you don’t have fun things like casinos, or theme parks, or even Stuckey’s for crying out loud. How can you call yourself a civilization without Stuckeys? For all I know, there aren’t even any Starbucks in your country and that is a sad sad thing.

And I won’t even get started on your women but I think it’s is safe to say that Miss Iran never has to worry about what she is going to wear to the Miss Universe pageant.

You people need to lighten up. You need to get some good old brainless reality TV over there in Camelville. How about “Milking Sheep With The Stars” or “Wife Swap – Irani Edition”. No, that wouldn’t be any good because in those burkas everybody looks alike and they’re not allowed to talk, so with no difference, it would be a dumb idea.

I know, what about your own edition of “Survivor”? We drop the bomb and you try to avoid getting voted off the planet.

Here’s another hot idea. Open a comedy club so your people can get a chuckle or two. You could be the emcee and I’ll even give you an opening joke. “My nephew is only 9 years old and already he’s a terrorist fighting the infidels. Ah, they blow up so fast.” Why don’t you stick that in your water pipe and choke it, or better yet, let me come over and choke you myself, because I am Eddie Lubitsch, the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.