Eddie Lubitsch, The Last Angry Lawyer - Weekly Editorial

This time they got OJ on armed robbery, kidnapping, coercion, cohesion, corrosion, and never finding the real killer. If he is convicted he could spend the rest of his life in prison...something he should have been going for the last 12 years, but now he’s free on bail and working on his next book, If I Stole It.

But I digress.

The fact of the matter is that OJ is back in the news and he will stay in the news until his trial, and then he will become his own reality show called, Who Wants A Piece Of Me.

Speaking of TV, I have discovered a rather disturbing fact this week that I wish to share with the American public for the first time. Last week, we all saw the latest video tape of Osama Bin Laden, making his predictions for the college football season...or whatever the hell he said. Who knows for sure? Then, today, I saw a just released video of Fidel Castro, whom we have not heard a word out of for quite some time. And I couldn’t understand what he said either.

And then, it struck me like a slap in the face with a wet mackerel. Osama bin Laden and Fidel Castro are the same guy. Look at them side by side; slap a turban on Castro and trim up Bin Laden’s beard; and you’ve got twins. The two biggest pains in our collective rear ends are the same guy and we only see him on video tape. I am seeing a wag the dog symptom at work here.

If Bin Laden and Castro are the same guy, who else is in on the scam? What about that guy from the Home Improvement? The next door neighbor who never revealed his mug to the public? Or, maybe, just maybe, OJ is behind this whole thing and for that reason alone he should be locked away with Robert Blake, but once again, I digress.

The main thing I want to tell you John is that I am worried. I am worried about the state of the economy and the simple observation that we don’t even realize that we have all been placed in a handbasket and that we are heading to a place even hotter than the desert.

The stock market is a mess. It’s up and down more often than Paris Hilton’s party dress, and one of these days, it’s going to break all together.

And the poor kids, nowadays, they have it rougher than anybody. You give the child a toy to play with today, and tomorrow you find out that the Chinese painted it with lead and you have to take it away and give the child a different toy...from China...and the dilemma repeats.

And on top of all of this, the mortgage market is collapsing because the lenders thought that just because you didn’t make much money was no reason not to give you a $500,000 loan. What were they thinking? That everybody they loaned money to was either going to become a CEO or win the big bucks on Deal or No deal?

It’s basic economics as espoused by the late great William Shakespeare, who although he used a lot of clichés, hit the nail on the head when he said “Neither a borrower nor a sub-prime lender be.”

But most of all John, I am worried about the future...the future of our greatest natural resource...celebrities. Our celebs are dropping like flies with Nicole Richie preggers, Britney Spaniel going to jail, Lindsay Lohan and Owen Wilson sharing a spike together. Before you know it, we will be completely out of young vivacious stars and starlets and then...out of the ashes....will arise the spawn of Satan, otherwise known as Michael Jackson’s children.

Mark my words, but when all of our celebrities are either dead or in rehab, Prince, and Paris, and Blanket will burst onto the scene with their grossly misshapen and disfigured old man to take the celeb world by storm.

And speaking of the King of Poop, did you ever notice that all of his facial features are interchangeable...like a Mr. Potato Head. He can change noses, ears, and beards at will. That’s right, I said beards, just like Osama Bin Laden and Fidel Castro wear. In fact, who’s to say that the videos we have been seeing of Ossie and Fidel haven’t been produced by somebody else altogether, somebody who has a lot of money, and video production knowledge, and lives overseas, and has a chip on his shoulder the size of Bubbles the monkey.

That’s right my friends, the perpetrator of fear in this country is none other that Michael Jackson...who you will notice, is never seen in the same picture as OJ Simpson and has been known, on occasion, to only wear one glove. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case and trust that you will take this conspiracy case for what it is, the ranting of the last angry lawyer.

That’s all from me for now. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.